Crunchatize Glee
by theevilestgeekofall
Summary: the title doesn't make any sense. a day in the life of Glee club.


I didn't edit this at all. This is a quick little satirical thing. PROCRASTINATION!

* * *

The kids sit in their respective chairs, all coupled up except for Artie, who sits off to the side, and Blaine and Kurt, who sit at opposite ends of the room. Blaine is inexplicably wearing a round hat suitable for any hipster occasion, and a bowtie.

"Hey, kids," Mr. Schue walks into the room, breezing past the piano man.

"He never even looks at me," the piano man thinks. He scratches his beard, then stares at his sheet music that isn't there because he's memorized how to play every song there is to know.

"So, I have our assignment for the day, one that was thoroughly thought out and has absolutely nothing to do with my personal life," Schue says proudly, grabbing a whiteboard marker and frantically writing on the white surface: "SEXUAL FRUSTURATION"

Kurt considers raising his hand to mention that Mr. Schue spelled 'frustration' wrong, but then he remembered that Blaine told him he should always be passive and silent, like a Russian prostitute. If he spoke up, Blaine probably wouldn't want to hold his hand later in the evening, despite it being their Frisky Day. Kurt figures everybody else in Glee is illiterate, anyway, due to the singular focus on achieving dreams of auto-tuned pop stardom.

"Let's get real here, kids," Schue starts. "Let's talk about sexual frustration. I know I experienced a lot of it when I was your age."

"Psh. That's because you looked gayer than Johnny Weir in rhinestones. I've seen pictures." Santana shoots out, her glossy lips smacking. "This is a hip and witty reference, because I'm the local snarky Latina."

Tina gives her a questioning look, saying, "That's a little offensive, Santana."

"I'm a lesbian, so it's not," Santana says, smoothly. "Go back to being Asian."

Tina and Mike exchange confused and mildly offended looks. Then they shrug their shoulders.

"Well," Blaine starts, "I am not a sexually active being because my partner," he shoots Kurt a look, briefly, "chooses a life of abstinence." His voice softens. "Though I understand completely that a lot of us really aren't ready for the mature act of love-making. So, like any teenager, I'm completely ready to wait and entirely content with masturbating on a daily basis. In fact, I barely think about sex at all, these days. I just imagine little baby bunny rabbits when I wish to embark upon self-completion." He beams, and the entire classroom remains silent for a few awkward moments.

"Good, good." Schue says, looking interested. "Anybody else?"

"Well, all I can say is that Finn has a nice, big penis—don't you, sweetie?" Rachel starts. "I know this because we are sexually active, and that's okay, because we're soulmates and we're going to be married." She pauses, brow creasing slightly. "I'm satisfied in that department. Are you?" She turns to Finn.

Leaping on the fact a question was asked, though certainly not to him, the piano man stands up and says, "No, I'm not—to be honest, I haven't fucked a broad in YEARS!" The rest of the room acts as though they hadn't even heard him. He sits down on his piano bench.

"Yeah, I am." Finn smiles at Rachel and the two share a moment while "Sexyback" plays in the background, somewhere. The scene pans out to reveal David Karofsky, standing by a large window to the room. He is slowly stripping to "Sexyback," which is playing on his little boombox. He is imagining slowly and lovingly spooning Kurt and showing him what real love is. Though his song is heard, the room is entirely oblivious to Karofsky's presence.

Blaine begins to sing along to "Sexyback." His face scrunches up every now and then, and his pants ride up as he dances, rising to his calves because the pants were too short to begin with. He looks like he's having fun because he sometimes looks constipated in a cheerful way. Everybody joins the front of the room with Blaine, dancing and singing.

Dave Karofsky realizes that the room has heard his song, and has begun to shout, over and over, "KURT! KURT! KURT!" in effort to get the boy's attention. He is fully nude now.

"Did you hear something?" Kurt says to Mercedes, that girl he used to talk to sometimes. She shakes her head, still smiling and, on occasion, making heated eye contact with Sam, her lover. Kurt continues to dance, vaguely jealous of the fact that Blaine has begun grinding against one of the guitar players standing off to the side.

The music ends. Karofsky, in a fit of anguish from not being heard whatsoever, forms a noose with his belt, and ties it to a tree. He fits his neck into the contraption, letting his weight drop. The tree breaks in half from his sheer girth, and he's knocked unconscious.

"Wait…what were we talking about?" Mr. Schue is now in front of the class, and everybody is seated again. Blaine sits by Kurt now, and the two are seated a loving three inches apart. Rachel is sitting on Finn's lap, slowly moving her hips in small circles.

Mike shrugs his shoulders endearingly. So does Tina, but she's out of the shot.

"We should sing a Top 40 hit from a few weeks ago," Sam suggests, because he wants to be the leader of Glee club.

Finn, male hormones raging, shakes a fist at the blonde. "Damn it, Finn, that's a good idea—it should have been YOUR good idea." He thinks to himself, scowling. Rachel lets her finger trail down Finn's chest affectionately, as if to console him.

"Great idea!" Mr. Schue says loudly. "I'm dating somebody with OCD!"

Brittany chooses to stand up, and announce something to the group. "I know my voice isn't the best, so I hired myself vocal coaches—" she motions toward the door; it opens and fog spills out. Oprah Winfrey, Kathy Griffin, and one of the Top Chef guys walks into the Glee Club room. "They helped me learn how to pronounce words better by writing down all my lyrics phonetically. Without them, I'd be no-double-u-hair." She smiles at them. "I'd like to sing a song with them, if you all don't mind."

"Okay!" the entire group grins with good cheer.

The four begin to sing a ballad version of "I'm Sexy and I Know It," though 'sexy' and 'passion' and 'pants' are all bleeped out. The girls, all clad in remarkably short and prim skirts, jump up and down and 'wiggle' appropriately. Mr. Schue has to hide behind the piano at one point, still ignoring the piano man himself.

The song ends, and everybody claps and laughs, because it is an incredibly joyous occasion. The bell rings, and some begin to weep, because Glee Club is ending for the day, and now their only chance to sing will be in the shower, at best.

"Alright, everyone! We've learned a lot today!"

"We have?" Mercedes cocks an eyebrow, wondering if Sam is attracted to the way her eyebrow cocks.

"Yes—we've learned to have heart, and just do our best!"

"NEW DIRECTIONS!" Everyone cries, going in for a group hug before leaving the room.

"I'm confused," one guitarist says to another, packing up their cases and cords. The unnamed teenage musicians all manage to accidently kick the piano man in the face as they head out of the room.

The piano man sits alone. He decides that he'll have Captain Crunch for dinner tonight and he'll post on his blog something about how insightful his beta fish really are.


End file.
